▲31024 | reblog
the bags under my eyes are so heavy because they carry the weight of all my dead hopes and dreams
▲28374 | reblog
People mistake ovulation and menstruation to be the same thing when in fact they aren’t
Ovulation is when the eggs are saying “hello friends I am here”
And menstuation is when the eggs are saying “goodbye friends I am gone”
▲93402 | reblog
im Sorry but you two cant get the marriage. the bible said Adam and Eve not matthew and ashley. come back when youve legally changed your names
▲64271 | reblog
no spaghetti straps- BOYS WILL BE DISTRACTED!!
no tight pants- BOYS CAN’T FOCUS!
no shorts- BOYS WON’T BE ABLE TO LEARRRRRRN!
Jesus christ if a woman’s body is so fucking distracting maybe we need to figure out a way to teach boys to focus in the face of- gasp- exposed skin!
I remember saying the same thing in high school and getting dismissed by the teacher.
Maybe the dress code should just require boys to wear blindfolds.
▲141694 | reblog
some guy just called my number thinking i was a male prostitute, and he started talking to me about how much he could pay me so i pulled up gunshot noises on my computer and started screaming and he panicked and hung up
911 jUST FFUCKING CALLLLED ME IA AMC LAUGHHING SO HARD I TOLD THEM THE SITUEATION AND I’M STULL FUCMKING LAUGHING BECUASE NO W HTE’YRE TRACING THE GUY TO ARREST HIM FOR TRYING TO SOLICITEA ND PAY FOR SEX
I’VE DONE A GOOD
▲71481 | reblog
this one time in sixth grade i was waiting for my bus because it was late and this girl was cleaning out her locker and a teacher was helping her and all of the sudden the teacher started screaming and the girl started crying and all i heard was “YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH LIVING IN YOUR LOCKER??!!”
▲119674 | reblog
shine bright like a diamond
Diamonds don’t shine, they fucking reflect.
reflect bright like a diamond
you can’t “reflect bright” because reflecting is not the giving out of light and therefore cannot vary the intensity. the light shining on the diamond is what is bright
shine bright like the light that may somewhere be hitting a diamond
▲11 | reblog
What if girls came gushers?
You’re expecting cum but PLOT TWIST, it’s a shit load of blue gushers.
Did you hear about Kathy? She has gushorea *gasp*
▲51582 | reblog
men at large think they are being robbed of something when an attractive woman with a 90% chance of developing breast cancer gets a double mastectomy
what better illustration of the male sense of sexual entitlement do you need
this makes me so fucking angry